The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Randomize
