i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
Randomize
