I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
How naked do you want me to be?
Randomize
