She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
Randomize
