this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
Randomize
