I'm gonna have a badass scar
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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