There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
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