I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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