Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
I'm too high and old for this...
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
