I will die if light touches me.
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
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