Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
