Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
