is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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