he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
