Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
i just sent this text using only my big toe
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
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