apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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