did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
Holy sore nipples Batman
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
