Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
