My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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