U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize