I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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