She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
