I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
Randomize
