i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
