You're earring is so big in my mouth
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
Randomize
