i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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