Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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