I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Randomize
