Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
Randomize
