Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
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