I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Randomize
