Your face is a jimmy john
Megan Fox is the only woman I would let pee on me.
I'm similar. She's the only woman I'd ask to pee on me.
Ok yeah you're right. I'd ASK Megan Fox to pee on me. I'd ALLOW Erin Andrews to pee on me if she asked.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Randomize
