Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
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