the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
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