I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
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