So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Randomize
