Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Randomize
