Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize