No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Randomize
