I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
Semen is not good for contacts.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
