don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Randomize
