I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Randomize
