I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Randomize
