I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
And the cops told us we were all naked.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Randomize
