well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
