I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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