Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
