i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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