I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
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