i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
Randomize
