first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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