wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Randomize
