respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
Randomize
