Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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