Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
