one might say we're banned from that church
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
