Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Randomize
