As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
